Hello hiatus, goodbye hiatus

Hi.  it's been a while. I haven't written anything here since the time of primordial goop. Actually, so much shit got down that there simply was no time for vanity posts. I had a baby, got "married" (more on that later) and settled down kuno. That's right, I'm mutating into what I used to call a "doormat". I've done nothing this past year except raise a human being. If I sound like I'm downplaying the amazingness of motherhood (and my baby), let me reiterate: everyday for the last year, I've been killing the urge to go out into the world chasing muses. The because is important, but killing the urge has taken its toll.

An article another new mother-friend posted sometime ago on fb stated that the first year of a child's life is the most hostile in a couple's couplehood. No wonder they say three's a crowd. And even if you prepare to have a kid, your relationship changes forever. My partner and I've been secretly involved ever since we got involved, because we didn't want to stop becoming individuals to other people. And then baby arrived and now we call each other "mommy" and "daddy", and everyone refers to us as the parents.

My kid is awesome. I blog about him. Not as frequently as I want to, but I won't here. Because this is my space. And I need alone time too. Which is why I write this while he's asleep.

The great big positive is that I want to better myself because of them. If we're going to be stuck with each other for a long time, I want them to be stuck with the best version of me. The version that is healthy, that makes great food, that knows how to make things better when they're not, that knows how to get shit done and does so without breaking the bank.

And then. i think about who I already am, and who I already was and wonder why I can't continue being good at the things I already was. What happened to my neverending quest to be a better writer/blogger/journalist/filmmaker/artist? What happened to my scripts? My storylines? My imaginary worlds? How's the grass over in Inverness? How are Marie and the Thousand? Has it stopped raining red yet? When did I stop keeping a dream journal?

Nobody tells you you're going to stop dreaming for a while when you're pregnant. It's an automatic shift the moment you announce a pregnancy. You disappear for a while. And while you revel in gratitude at the overwhelming love for your child, you wish friends were willing to hold the baby for a while while you gather your lost dreams. Because those were your first children and you can't afford to neglect them either, and yet you are.

So this is what I've been doing when I can't take it anymore : I write in secret, while he sleeps. The essays have been piling up in the ipad notes section, so I'll just slowly transfer them to this blog.