I've been reflecting on the dark areas of my life recently, but from the perspective of someone who's exiting the dark tunnel.
A lot of people don't like me. I don't mind that part. I know I'm not exactly miss sunshine, it works for me to put my guards up. It's what insects say when they wear bright colors: I'm poison. Stay away. Instead of bright colors, I wore the mark they stamp on toxic liquids: a skull.
I was the goth girl screaming "I'm no poser!" directing all thoughts towards death with the sincerity that only children following their parents have. With the intensity that good students are praised for. (funny that when my thoughts finally go to death one day, I have no space in my despair to think about how romantic the situation is. No detachment whatsoever this time, just a jackhammer of self abuse. The self imposed censorship that was nothing but fear-based.
What are you afraid of? Being rejected?
What I do mind is when the person who doesn't like me is the person I let my guards down for.
Wow, I must be really sensitive?
But what's wrong with sensitivity? Why are we expected to be sensitive only with art and beauty, hard when it comes to the harsh? Nobody is THAT inconsistent.
Why is it a shameful thing to wear your heart on your sleeve? When is innocence synonymous to stupidity?
I guess it is. They're just a singko pesos nga gibalibali (two sides of the same coin ba).
Some of the things they tell the innocent is that you should "forgive your enemies"; "be the bigger person."; "don't go to sleep angry"... why is angry not allowed?
Angry is proud. Walls are proud. Dicks are proud.
Proud is an ironic word. Why is there so much shame in pride?
Why can't I stay mad? Why am I not allowed to judge that I am not at peace with something? Because I might act on it? Is there no trust in me to regulate my emotions in my own time?
Instead, we invalidate people's emotions by dehumanizing the other. I guess this is where tv is damaging, the most experience we have dealing with problems are from memories. If all memories you have are manufactured (in this case, by television), you start reacting to things the same way your favorite cartoon characters/heroes do.
But people are more complex than the standees we put in front of the camera. Not everyone acts deliberately ever single moment of their lives, unlike the heroes, who in your memorybank, never had downtime. Sometimes we say things because we're tired. Sometimes we scratch our noses because while you were talking to your teacher, she let out a fart and you wished you could quell the chuckle bubbling from your lips. Sometimes we say one thing because you don't want the drama that would likely follow if you say the truth. It's unfair that when a slight change in climate occurs, you can't be honest about it and trust the person to ride the wave with you. Then again, maybe not all relationships are meant to be like that. Maybe we ride a wave with someone, and then the next wave is a different sort - one you haven't learned to weather or have no interest in navigating together.
If I met every single human being on earth, I bet a quarter would be made up of people I don't like and don't like me back. Touch and go. Some people just don't mesh.
And some people have come and affected you, and then left. Their contribution to your life is over. You've satisfied your exchange's purpose. That's why some of the people who hate me now were people I liked a lot when I first met them. That's why It hurt so much. Because the rejection was meant to change me profoundly.
Even if there's no such thing as previous lives it's still a beautiful shape of a story you can't tell by dumbing it down.
You have to experience it.
I had a friend I really cared for and still do, but not with the same intensity that I used to. The space helped.
I want to maintain this space. It's better than second guessing, with tears blinding your vision. With drama blocking your better judgment. As Chris put it, maybe I can't let go because I was the one who got rejected. My fears were satisfied.
Maybe I'm expecting the satisfier to make things right? I notice this is what baby does when he's angry with me - he clings to me like I'm going to leave him. How can you expect someone to both be angry and in love with someone and not go mad? That's an explosive combination.
I'm letting their power over me go. I'm the only person who can make things right. And not everything has to be right. They can be left too. Hehe.
No comments:
Post a Comment